Boundaries and the Truth they Reveal

What Boundaries Actually Are (Therapeutically Speaking)

Boundaries are often mistaken for rules set for other people. However, they are not ultimatums or demands placed on others. Boundaries are the internal lines you draw for yourself. They are a clear understanding of what helps you feel safe, comfortable, respected, and well, and what, in turn, feels unsafe, harmful, or unacceptable to you. They come from your own self-knowledge, not from trying to manage others. 

A boundary is about what you will do to take care of yourself.

They speak of the actions you will take, what you will or will not engage with.

They are not about making another person behave differently.

Boundaries are honoured by your response.

Communicating boundaries matters and is necessary, yet repeating yourself endlessly doesn’t make a boundary stronger. Having to repeat yourself highlights where you need to take action to honour your own limits and wellbeing. In practice, boundaries sound like:

If this continues, I will…

I’m not comfortable with that, so I won’t…

I need to step back when…

Boundaries are lived experiences, something you enact, maintain, and respond to, rather than something you outsource or hand over responsibility for. Communicating your boundaries is important. It gives others a fair chance to understand you, respect you, and adjust if they want to maintain a healthy relationship with you. Equally it becomes important is noticing how others respond to this information:

Who listens and takes it seriously?

Who consistently ignores, dismisses, or minimises what you’ve expressed?

Who shows you, through their choices, that they consider your experience of reality, and that your well-being matters to them?

How people respond to your boundaries offers valuable information about that relationship. While boundaries are something you're responsible for, the way others engage with your boundaries is paramount to pay attention to. It helps you understand whether the relationship is safe, reciprocal, and healthy.

Why Boundaries Trigger Reactions

There’s a well-known expression: (unconfirmed origin)

“The only people who get upset when you start honouring your boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having any.” 

In therapy and coaching, the theme of boundaries arises frequently. Interestingly, when clients begin honouring their boundaries, they are surprised not by the boundary itself, these are often very easy to identify. What is surprising is the reactions it creates in others.

Understanding these reactions is essential for emotional well-being,

relational clarity, and long-term self-care. 

When you begin setting boundaries, something powerful happens. You stop over-functioning, and others start reacting. At its core, this speaks to the dynamics of imbalance.

When you begin setting boundaries, by:

saying no

taking up greater space

asking for respect and consideration

limiting access

You are also changing the ‘rules’ of how others have been allowed to interact with you. People who were accustomed to getting more from you than was healthy may feel discomfort, loss, or a sense of entitlement when you start creating firmer boundaries. These reactions are not proof that the boundary is wrong. They’re proof that the unhealthy dynamics are shifting.

People Become Accustomed to the Version of You That Overextends.

This, over time and over the course of your connections, means others may grow to expect you to be:

overly available and accommodating

peace-keeping and self-sacrificing

dismissive of your own needs in favour of prioritising theirs

When you begin to shift, it can feel ‘unfair’, as their expectations are no longer being met, even when you communicate that the previous dynamic was not reciprocal and negatively impacting you. When you begin honouring your limits and operating within your own personal capacity, those who benefited from your over-giving will take it personally, almost seemingly ignoring that your boundaries are in fact just the act of protecting your own emotional wellbeing.

Healthy Boundaries Expose Unhealthy Dynamics and Disrupt 'Unspoken Contract'

Boundaries act like a relational spotlight. They bring truth to the surface about your connections and the flow of effort, consideration, support, and care that exists in them. When you start communicating boundaries and protecting your energy, you will notice different reactions.

Some people will, of course, adapt. They will respect your requests and honour your needs, while managing their own emotions. These connections shift in a healthier, more balanced direction. However, those who relied on your self-neglect and your people-pleasing tendencies become uncomfortable. Your lack of boundaries once made their life easier, and they have come to rely on your:

your compliance

your emotional labour

your silence

When you begin to prioritise yourself, to give yourself attention and care, and not automatically tend to others, they may react with anger, emotional manipulation, shaming and even make ultimatums. Their reaction is not about your boundary. It’s them recognising that they are losing access to something they were never entitled to in the first place. You’re not hurting anyone by honouring your needs.

You’re simply removing access to parts of you that were never meant to be taken for granted.

Many relationships function on silent agreements, such as: 'You keep giving, and I keep receiving.' When you change your role, others may resist the shift. Their discomfort highlights an imbalanced relationship, and not a flaw in your boundary-setting. When they sense this shift in you, instead of adjusting and acknowledging your personhood, they protest the loss of privileges they were never entitled to begin with. This tells you something important about the relational pattern.

In unhealthy, unbalanced relationships, your boundaries, your withdrawal of excess emotional labour, automatic compliance, and people-pleasing tendencies will be met with disapproval and punishment. In many relationships, we unknowingly participate in these unspoken agreements, which honouring your boundaries threatens to destroy. Once you begin to consciously become aware of these patterns, you gain the power to change them. If someone gets angry or punishes you with emotional guilt tripping or withdrawal, that reaction is very important information.

Pay attention and observe.

Boundary setting reveals who values you, and who valued what you provided.

Your boundaries are not about controlling other people’s responses. It’s the communication of your own clear understanding of what feels safe or unsafe, and the actions you will take to care for yourself, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It’s something you enact by stepping back, disengaging, or removing yourself from situations or dynamics that don’t honour your well-being.

Why It’s Crucial to Observe People's Reactions

Reactions reveal relational health, and people’s responses become a diagnostic tool:

Respect = healthy dynamic

Discomfort + adjustment = mutual growth

Anger + shaming + punishment = unhealthy dynamics

Boundaries help you see who is safe, supportive, and trustworthy, and who may be draining your resources. Recognising that someone is upset because your lack of boundaries previously benefited them, it becomes easier to recognise who you want to invest in and how to protect yourself. 

Honouring your boundaries is a core part of healing relational wounds

and gives you the opportunity to:

break people-pleasing cycles

stop over-functioning and over-extending

resist being pulled back into old ‘helper’ roles

differentiate guilt from responsibility

Boundaries Help Cultivate Reciprocal Relationships

This is key for healing people-pleasing patterns, as boundaries filter out:

people who rely on your empathy without offering support

those who value what you provide, not who you are.

This is also key in helping you identify connections where there is mutual respect, emotional maturity and reciprocal healthy relating.

Boundaries are an act of self-respect and an aid in differentiating between who supports or hinders your well-being. This is essential information for self-care and choosing relationships that nourish rather than deplete you. Once you observe how people respond to your boundaries, you can protect your energy by:

limiting access

reducing emotional investment

communicating expectations clearly

stepping away when necessary

Honouring your boundaries is about choosing behaviours that align with your emotional safety and worth. Boundaries are essential aspects of self-care that help discern whose presence supports your wellbeing and whose presence undermines it. When you honour your needs, some people will adjust and grow with you, while some will resist and attempt to pull you back into old dynamics. 

Their reaction is information, not a verdict on their character, and honouring your boundaries is not a form of punishment towards others. Boundaries are an act of self-care and self-respect. 

Keep Going!